Updated: Jun 15, 2022
I never thought it possible to be free of a 17yr battle with my thoughts towards food. Thoughts that came in during a period of extreme hatred of myself and the way that I looked. I was the quite church girl, miss “goody two shoes” and therefore an easy target to bullying. I feared people which started at a very early age when I was inappropriately touched by a woman in preschool. I was told to not speak or I would be abandoned. When my parents dropped me off every day that fear became panic. The enemy thrives on fear which is why I believe I was an easy target for bullying. It also made me an easy target for sexual predators. I was again violated during a church camp by a teenage boy wanting to cop a feel and I didn’t say anything thanks to fear of what my parents would think. 3 years of constant bullying and suicidal thoughts plagued me. I was brought up in a Christian family and told to pray and ask God for help. As time went on, I began to think he didn’t hear me. One day I snapped and beat up the bully. I found my voice again but I also found pride and rebellion. When I defeated my bully, I heard another voice. “God didn’t help you; you did that.” The voice of pride. I entered high school with a vow of protection. No one would take advantage of me again. I was rebellious because I was afraid of rejection. I had this inner fight to be good, but being good meant being bullied or rejected so I put on a mask and was “good” for my parents and family. I graduated honor roll and top 25 of my class while still partying, skipping class to be with my boyfriend, and testing all the “things”. I still hated myself and lived with a deep fear of rejection. I had seen my cousin throw up after eating and she had been gaining recognition for the weight she was losing. No one seemed to mind when I said she was throwing up which confused me. I said out loud one day in the kitchen, “I wish I had an eating disorder.” Things spiraled quickly when I went to college. Shame and guilt were starting to control my thoughts along with jealousy and resentment. I went into college my freshman year and got up to 152lbs. I hated myself more than ever and lived with a roommate that I viewed as perfect. I started to work out and dropped weight pretty quickly and the guys started to notice. It was addicting until I was raped by a guy in the weight room. The worse part was feeling like I had no voice. The only voices I heard from that point forward were the ones in my mind condemning me for every food I ate or not working out enough. That was when bulimia took full control. I became good at hiding it until it landed me in the hospital, at one point, 103lbs and in jail at other points due to stealing.
November 7, 2004, I had been invited to a church at a point where I thought I was at rock bottom. After attending 3 times I had an encounter with God I will never forget and gave my life to Jesus. I was then accepted to a program that housed troubled girls going through various things. After 6 months I was convinced that I was free and healed. Little did I know my healing had only just begun. I still lived with pride and rebellion and extreme fear of rejection. The eating disorder came back with a vengeance and cost me the first love of my life. I began to drink much more to numb the feelings of guilt and shame I was carrying about binging, yet I had no control to stop it. I binged alcohol and I binged food. I was killing myself and hurting those who loved me. I wore two hats, the good put together perfect Wendy, and the wild child Wendy.
I was back in church playing the good girl and ran into my now husband, Josh. We became good friends for over 2 years until we married. He knew I had a past eating disorder but did not know it was still in the present. He didn’t drink due to alcoholism in his family and hated when I drank. I got an omvi when my first child was around 8 months. My husband loved me through it. I gave up alcohol in 2016 after another night of partying led to me being too sick to care for my 3 children and learning that my husband had cleaned up the bathroom full of puke yet didn’t mention one word to me. It was like how Moses’s son had covered him in his drunkenness. That act of faithfulness and love spoke more to me than anyone ever could. I realized I didn’t need alcohol to relax because I was actually trying to cover up my feelings of guilt and shame.
Then one day my husband came home from work early. I had been a mess. He pulled out a page of bible scriptures and asked me to sit down and read them out loud. I got to the third one, “therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1 I broke down and sobbed in front of him and told him I didn’t believe those words because I had so much guilt and shame. I knew it was time to open my mouth and tell him the truth-the whole truth. He listened and was quiet and then he embraced me and didn’t let go. He didn’t condemn, only showed me Godly love. The act of confessing alone gave me freedom I didn’t know existed. Josh called me every day to check in on me and I poured in the word of God, day and night. I knew my mind needed renewed. My husband's loyalty and love gave me the confidence to open up to some trusted friends. This led to me finding out our church had a liberation team and May 31st, 2017 I was completely delivered of my eating disorder. The thoughts that I believed would haunt me forever were gone. The next day I looked at my children playing in the backyard and thought to myself, “this is what it feels like to be a child again and be fully free!” That following fall I attended a freedom group through our church and during the conference received even more healing that I didn’t know I needed. The unforgiveness I had towards God had to be confessed and released. I have been healed of rejection, healed of the fear of man, healed of self-hatred, and healed of every entity that came along with the eating disorder. It is my passion to see others healed and set free of every lie of the enemy that seeks to kill, steal, and destroy lives.